We fill our worlds with words. Language, they say, is a universal tool that allows us to understand each other. However, few discuss another side to it. We have mastered language so well that we use it to hide the meanings rather than expose them. We tell stories, joke around, and actively use our gestures. Beneath all of this allure of honesty in language is another, more devastating side: we use it to soften and disguise ourselves. We can respond easily to the question “What is procrastination?” but not “What matters to me?” 

It’s often unconscious, this search to hide ourselves behind the words. We use language as a shield that masks our vulnerability. This turns the truth invisible, and we may forget how to be authentic around others. So what does it mean to hide behind language? And what don’t we talk about?

How We Talk Through Our Costumes

Language can be the most powerful mask of all. We laugh to hide our discomfort and dress up our statements with politeness to avoid conflict. We hide our hurt and say everything the other person wants to hear. We dislike the silence and keep the noise going.

Using our words is a valuable skill; there’s no lie in that. But when they exist so that we could imitate performance and don’t allow us to show what we think and feel, they become the sword turned inward. The painful truth is that we cannot express ourselves or have honest relationships if we put an “avatar” of ourselves into the world. As authors at okmagazine.com often note, real connection exists when we allow for moments of introspection. When we don’t use words to play a dress-up game — that’s when the brave truths finally gain weight, and we feel like we matter.

Why Do We Hold Back?

The core factor behind all of this is fear. We are afraid of being judged, misunderstood, or even just being too much. Underneath all of that is the fear that when we don’t pretend, others won’t like what they see. If we pretend not to be hurt, we do the same, not allowing others to sense the “weakness.” 

So we filter. Manage ourselves. Why does this happen in general, and what has made this strategy so common? 

Society doesn’t appreciate honesty. Even though we often speak of being our own selves and not pretending, our society doesn’t appreciate it as a rule. Celebrities cultivate honesty that only looks real. A person who has the best speech, even if they don’t believe in it, and uses neutral words, gets the award. If you dare to be a little different, you can become a pariah. We see countless situations when not fitting in and saying something honest backfires, and we don’t want to repeat the same mistake.

We don’t have role models. When we grow up, we rarely see people who use language to say only what they mean, and do it wisely. Our caregivers often lack the skills to convey themselves with authority and genuineness simultaneously. At school, we learn to talk in formulas to appease our teachers. Most of the popular peers around us or on TV also don’t help; they perform. 

We don’t know how to do it. Most of us have never had a real, genuine talk with someone without falling into hiding behind our words. We can stumble and try, but it’s not something that comes naturally to us. 

Unsaid Doesn’t Go Away

When we don’t say something aloud, it stays. It doesn’t vanish. It still lurks around, beneath the surface, in the corners of our minds, and in the background of our relationships. We may not voice our disappointment, but it echoes in our withdrawal. We may not say we’re hurt, but our defensiveness still spoils future moments.

However, there’s another side to it. Filtering ourselves brings an entire wave of consequences the more we police ourselves. We start to feel like no one understands or knows us. We begin to see ourselves as strangers even in the most intimate moments. Even worse, we do not recognize the person we are supposed to love. And there comes something even more terrifying: do we even know whom we love if all of us speak in half-truths? What will happen if we decide to raise children or take on responsibilities that are impacting vulnerable populations? 

Perhaps that’s what our world is: people who have forgotten what they are hiding between the words. 

Starting to Move Away From This

Transforming this habit will be tougher than you think. It’s like peeling the old armor off and exposing your vulnerable heart. You’ll need a lot of time for that. But here’s something you can try — just these two strategies. 

Have the Chosen One

Choose one person whom you can trust with this desire to change. It can be your best friend, your partner, or your sibling. They should be the exact person with whom you can readily share your desire to change. Come up to them and say, “Hey, I want to try being more myself when we talk. It’s really important for me. It may be a little awkward, but I’ll appreciate your patience. Can you do it with me?” 

When we discuss our intention, it takes the pressure off us and also gives them an idea of how to respond. This way, they can practice being more authentic with you as well. Plus, it’ll save both of you from misunderstanding when you explore your voice. 

Go the Anonymous Route

Warning: it’ll work for those who don’t have social anxiety. You’ll need to go outside and have a talk with a stranger. It can be anyone — a barista or a manager at your sports club, for instance. Your best bet, however, is people waiting for the bus. There’s a reason so many of us get approached by older folks who want to have a chat while we wait for our ride.

But if you feel like it’s too much and you’re not ready to approach someone on your own, let go of the initiative. Just promise yourself that you will be practicing your authentic self the next time the other person starts talking to you. The more often you practice, the easier it gets.

Choose Bridges, Not Walls

This change won’t come easily. While you can close this article and pretend you didn’t read it, we hope that the words will stand with you no matter what. Be brave! You deserve it. As you move through your conversations, try this: 

Pause. Breathe. Reflect.

Each moment of honesty with yourself is a flower ready to bloom. Soon, you will have an entire field of the beautiful and human person that you are.