Photo: Maddi Bazzocco / Unsplash

As someone who once spent $200 on a crystal-infused water bottle that promised to align my energy system and help me feel my best (spoiler: my energy system remained stubbornly misaligned), I feel uniquely qualified to guide you through the murky waters of self-care snake oil. 

I have fallen for countless scams, and I have the receipts to prove it. But I’m also not completely jaded. I love my non-toxic, ceramic cookware, I keep my veg and herbs fresh for longer by storing them in glass containers in the fridge, and I’ve found plenty of other ingenious sustainable switches that have genuinely improved my life.  

So, without further ado, here are ten wellness trends that failed the test of time. Each one deserves a hard side-eye from you and your wallet.

Detox Teas 

Your liver and kidneys handle detoxification just fine without the help of overpriced leaf water. These teas often contain nothing more than laxatives dressed up in pretty packaging. The only thing they'll cleanse apart from your colon is your bank account—and both will feel worse for wear at the end of it!

Wellness Crystals with Magical Properties 

While crystals can be beautiful decorative pieces, claims about their healing powers remain scientifically unproven. That $85 rose quartz won't fix your love life, though it might make an excellent paperweight. Trust me, I've got a drawer full of very expensive rocks that haven't changed my life one bit. 

Only buy crystals if you’re in love with how they look and want them as a decor piece. 

DNA-Based Skincare 

Companies claiming to customize products based on your genetic makeup are selling modern-day snake oil. Your DNA doesn't change, so why would you need different products every month? The science behind these services is about as solid as a plate of jelly in an earthquake.

Monthly Subscription Boxes of "Curated" Wellness Products 

These boxes often contain random assortments of sample-sized products you'd never buy individually, wrapped in the allure of discovery. After six months, you'll have a draw full of half-used samples and enough mini jade rollers to outfit a small army of influencers.

Activated Charcoal Everything 

From toothpaste and face masks to burger buns and smoothies, activated charcoal has been crammed into countless products. While it has legitimate medical uses in emergency rooms, your morning smoothie doesn't need it. Your teeth don't want it, and your wallet doesn’t need to deal with it either.

Focusing in on edibles with activated charcoal in them, note that it is not only unnecessary but could, in fact, work against you. Activated charcoal is used in emergency rooms to bind to poisons and help the body safely expel them. Having it with food can reduce how much of the nutrients you absorb from it, making those black smoothies and burgers even more of a waste of time and money. Worse still, if you’re taking any medications, the charcoal can bind to those too, making them less effective. 

In other words, just steer clear. 

Celebrity-Endorsed Wellness Programs 

Just because a famous person swears by a particular lifestyle program doesn't make it legitimate. Their glowing skin probably has more to do with expensive dermatologists, good genes, and subtle plastic surgery than that $500 serum they're promoting.

"Medical Grade" Beauty Products 

Many of these products contain the same ingredients as their drugstore counterparts but come with a massive markup. The term "medical grade" isn't regulated, making it about as meaningful as "premium" or "luxury"—just a way to make products more expensive with clever word choices.

Vitamin IV Drips 

Unless you're severely dehydrated or have a medical condition requiring IV nutrients, paying hundreds of dollars to have vitamins injected into your bloodstream is unnecessary. Your digestive system handles nutrient absorption quite efficiently, and it's free.

Sound Bath Healing Sessions 

While meditation and relaxation are valuable, paying premium prices for someone to bang a gong near your head is questionable. You can find similar relaxation benefits from free meditation apps or simply sitting quietly in nature.

Collagen-Infused Everything 

From coffee to candy, companies are adding collagen to everything these days, and charging premium prices. Most of these products contain such small amounts of collagen that they're unlikely to affect your skin, hair, or nails. You're basically paying extra for expensive protein powder.

The self-care industry thrives on our desire for quick fixes and our willingness to try anything that promises transformation. They're selling hope in beautifully designed packages, and that aesthetically pleasing hope is addictive. We've all fallen for at least one of these trends (my crystal collection is staring at me as we speak).

What Can You Do To Care For Yourself Instead?

The most effective forms of self-care are often the least expensive: regular sleep, proper hydration, balanced nutrition, physical movement, and meaningful connections with interesting people. These basics might not come in pretty packages or have celebrity endorsements, but they work.

So before spending money on the next wellness trend, ask yourself: Is this actually beneficial, or am I paying for clever marketing? Sometimes the best self-care decision is keeping your credit card in your wallet and your skepticism firmly intact.